On Tuesday, it will be one year from when my cousin was called home. On this very Sunday last year (though the date was June 1), at this time, mom and I were watching old home videos of Robin, my sister and myself playing as children, talking about old times. In about an hour and 10 minutes, it will be precisely the time last year I told my mom I wanted to start mending Robin and mine's relationship. Monday, at approx. 1:15 will be one year to the day she was pronounced dead. Tuesday will be one year to the date, June 2.

Do I really have a right to be this upset about Robin's passing though? I mean, I still have a bit of guilt but I always will because this will remain something that will not find resolution until I am called home, so that is normal. But these intense feelings of grief are not, so I'm concerned about why I am experiencing them in this intensity after a year still. A couple of friends have tried the whole "It's part of the grieving process deal" but, give me some credit, I am a senior psychology student. I know all about different coping mechanisms and the grieving process. Hell, I know precisely what my coping mechanisms are, one of which I am engaging in by trying to rationalize these feelings. But, I know the intensity of these feelings are not a normal part of the grieving process. I have lost people in the past, some far closer to me then Robin, yet rarely did I experience the intensity of emotion I am now. I know all of the textbook answers that counselors would normally give, and those answers do not provide me with an explanation.

Perhaps part of the problem is I cannot think of my cousin without simultaneously thinking of her younger sister, mother and father when they arrived at the hospital to claim her body, our grandparents when we told them the news, our family members during that week. I am still grieving for my family who grieve Robin, not for my deceased cousin, and that is why I know this grief and these emotions are not normal. This is not a normal part of the grieving process. Instances like this would normally alert the counselor/psychologist of deeper emotional problems which are merely finding expression in this turn of events. So, the question for me to ponder and investigate is what emotions are finding their expression through grieving Robin's passing and, more importantly, what is causing these emotions in the first place. Wish me luck in my search!